by Chris W

Hello, my name is Chris and I am definitely an addict. I have had multiple treatments for my addiction to heroin. Last summer, after having left or being kicked out of various places, I managed to stay clean for a few months through N.A. meetings, before having a brief relapse. It was around this time that I then decided to go to Gray Wolf. It was not a decision that was made for me by my family or by the legal system. I guess I was, as they say sick and tired of being sick and tired, and knew that I needed some more help. I really didn't know what to expect when I got out to Gray Wolf, I just knew it had to be better than the cycle of relapses, meetings and institutions that would only get worse with time. But frankly I was very nervous having heard plenty of halfway house horror stories. I started to have a good feeling when, after a gray overcast sky the whole drive up from Sea-Tac, I arrived in Port Townsend to blue sky, it just felt like a sign. And I felt comfortable immediately when I arrived at the main lodge and most of the guys were already lined up at the door to greet me. I certainly hadn't felt welcome anywhere in a while. I looked around and saw that not only were the facilities incredible, but the natural beauty of the Pacific Northwest was matched only by the beauty I found in the people I met at Gray Wolf. I appreciate that same beauty in myself.

I suppose I should write about what the most important or unique aspect of Gray Wolf was for me, but its hard to say. Having structure, although challenging, was incredibly important. Following the same schedule every day not only helped me feel like I was a normal person, but was also important for my lifelong struggle with bipolar disorder. I got a job within the first few weeks of my arrival, and was fortunate enough to work with a boss and another employee in my office who are also active in the local AA community. It was the first time Id held a regular job for more than a few weeks that I could remember, and I was truly amazed that anyone would want to hire me, let alone that I would become a useful employee still do.

What I think was possibly the most important thing about Gray Wolf for me was living with other young men who were like me, with similar experiences. As I mentioned before, I've been in a number of institutions and attended meetings off and on over the last few years, and even at twenty-two was always the youngest by at least a decade. The recovery folks tell you to "identify," not compare which I'd always struggled with, but at Gray Wolf I didn't not have a hard time with that concept at all, I couldn't help but identify and feel comfortable with the other guys. For the first time in years I made real friends, people who really cared about me and watched out for me, and learned the skills necessary to maintain those relationships. I've always liked hanging around with drug addicts and I still do - the only difference is that now I hang out with clean ones.

Finally, I have to say that the staff and the treks at Gray Wolf Ranch are awesome and I thank them for letting me contribute to this issue of The Pathfinder.